"Go back a little to leap further" John Clarke
I've been feeling low and down for a while now but I had no idea why. My body constantly aching and tired, a painful back and just very low, emotional and constantly frustrated with myself- probably because I didnt know why I felt so low.
I didnt feel able to talk about how I was feeling because I didn't know how to and I just kept putting it all to the back of my mind and training through it. But last Monday I had a wake up call and realised I couldn't do it all on my own- I needed some help to just get my mind and body back on track. I'm not very good at asking for help and I thought I was dealing with everything- but it became clear to me that I could not deal with everything on my own.
My back has been quite painful in training for a long time now. Maybe I was scared to say anything, I dont know but I had convinced myself it would just go away and tried to forget about it in training. Training is going well- I recently did a P.B tariff and my height and form are improving all the time but it didnt matter- it wasn't good enough. I didnt feel good or happy and everytime someone would make a positive comment I could not accept it. It was getting worse, feeling lower and lower and I reached breaking point on Wednesday where I just cried like a baby!! haha. It was just a rubbish training session- everyone gets them and on another day I would have been fine about it! Not that Wednesday though! Everything felt so out of control and time felt like it was going so fast- and it had for a while!
On Thursday I went to collect some scan results for my back which came back good- just some inflammation and muscle tightness- and when I was talking to Julia the doctor at Bath- I just told her everything I had been feeling. I had been feeling low and so unhappy since December and not known why, I had been feeling constantly tired and achy, not sleeping properly, felt out of control, sore throat, rash etc!! It was only when I was telling her how I was feeling that I realised myself how much I had kept to myself and how much my mind was having to deal with- which is probably why I was so tired all the time! She was absolutely briliant. I was an over tired athlete who had been training hard and not recovering properly! All my worrying about what was wrong with me- why I wasnt enjoying training, why I couldnt think straight and rationally, and why I was feeling low it all made sense after talking about it.
We put a plan in place to deal with all the aspects I was struggling with and I realised then just how important my team are to me and my performance. I needed to communicate more and offload as much as poss to enable me to feel as happy and confident in training as poss. I am now getting my back sorted out and am looking after myself and my health so that I can get the best out of my training- and feel good about it too! I had piled on the pressure and because of that lost sight of my plan. So, with my team around me helping me with every aspect of my training, I will continue to work hard feel good then performance will follow!